Let it out

I had a meltdown in the grocery store this morning. Hyperventilation, crying, the whole thing. I'm pretty sure the checkout lady thought I was crazy. Nope. Not crazy. Just emotionally repressed. Sigh. I do this sometimes… But clearly not enough. After I got out to the car I sat there and cried some more... Partly because I was too anxious to leave and partly because I really needed to cry. Meanwhile, my four-year-old and 18-month-old are in the backseat watching me. "Why are you crying mommy?" Well... I tried to explain to my four-year-old that just like kids cry, sometimes moms cry too. Only I felt really weird. Why do I feel weird crying in front of my children? Oh I don't know, maybe because I never saw my own mother cry until I was 17 years old. Maybe because my father threatened to "give me something to cry about" when I cried as a child. (I don't fault my parents for these things, but they did happen). Maybe because I'm worried that my children will lose confidence in me somehow. Maybe because society has given us the message that crying is weak and unacceptable (unless someone dies or you go thru a break up), otherwise, crying anywhere besides your shower makes you "emotional" and "unstable". This is seriously messed up. So after I calmed down enough to drive home (and after a nice little "stability chat" in the car with one of my friends who happened to be at the grocery store at the same time as me) life got back to normal. Only for whatever reason I was still thinking about crying… and how completely therapeutic it is. Here is what I noticed... My four-year-old cried 4 different times in less than an hour over various issues... "I want my cousin to stay longer than two days" (cry). "I don't want my grapes in that bowl I want them in a cup-no that cup has Oreo crumbs in it" (cry) "Lydia won't give me that baby and I had it first" (cry). "I ran into the couch and it hurts right here" (cry). Seriously. Now obviously not every day is like this...she is little bit sick... But kids cry very easily about anything and everything, and I must say I'm a little jealous. Think of how much more emotionally healthy I would be if every time I felt like crying, I just did. None of this holding it back so I can look tough crap (or whatever). No keeping it in so I won't be judged as weepy or unstable. Life is frustrating. Sometimes you really just need a good cry to reset your emotional clock ... but for whatever reason, I don't cry easily. The stress has to just build and build and build until finally I just crack. Yes, I need therapy. I feel like I should've learned somewhere along the way how to be more emotionally mature... Like how to handle anger and effectively deal with frustration. How to overcome fears. And how to feel a little bit vulnerable or out-of-control but be okay with it. Kids often cry because they don't know how to deal with the emotions created by the problems they face. And whether or not the problem is actually solved, they generally feel better after a little bit of crying. (I'm sure it also helps that mom is usually there to hug them and tell them that everything is going to be okay). Well guess what? I often don't know how to deal with the emotions either. I "grew up", but rather than learning how to deal with problems and the resulting emotions, I just learned not to cry. Awesome. So now the question is, how do I undo 34 years of crappy conditioning? Right...therapy. :) I want to learn how to be more emotionally healthy so that I can teach my kids how to do it... And that might just mean they see me cry more often. That way, maybe they will know that I'm a real person... Not a robot with no feelings. Crying is beneficial and normal and it makes you human! So let's all cry together! Don't hold back...go start your own waterworks!